Ahh, the Carolinas
the animal conspiracy, entry I
by Renee' Johnson

For the past two months, I've had the pleasure of moving, to North Carolina. Home of humidity. Home of green green grass. Home of chiggers, tics, 'squitos, spiders, possums, squirrels and wild demented rabbits. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to make it known that animals have conspired against me in the past, and they are continuing to do so in my new habitare -- that's Latin for habitat.

It is true. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I'm terrified of spiders. Hell, anyone who's had the uncomfortable pleasure of seeing me and a spider in the same place at the same time, knows I'm terrified of spiders. I had a traumatic experience as a child... that's all you need to know... so don't ask anymore about it. *uhem* Anyway, prior to moving here, I lived in Missouri. Home of chiggers, tics, 'squitos, spiders, possums, squirrels, wild demented rabbits, and big/humongous overly funky skunks. I'm not kidding. I've been around skunks before, and regardless, the animals put the stank in stink. But those Missouri skunks, they have a special kind of funk. The kind of funk that brings tears to your eyes. The kind of funk that stays around even when the skunk has been removed from the premises. Yes, whoever hit those skunks with their cars, I truly feel sorry for them, because you ain't gettin' that stank off your ride anytime soon.

I love animals though, from a safe distance. I mean I can deal with the usual, you know, dogs, cats, fish. But there's something about experiencing nature on the raw side. (dun dun dunnnnnnnn!!) I'm talking about possessed possums that kill raccoons! Demonic squirrels that chew through cable,  telephone lines, and trash can lids! And eeevil eeevil rabbits, that do nothing, I just like saying eeevil eeevil rabbits!

Then, we have the creepy, web spinning, spotted-assed, long-legged spiders. Yes, they have pretty webs. UNTIL YOU UNEXPECTEDLY WALK INTO THEM! Have you ever seen someone engage in mindless combat with a spider web outside? It's hilarious, when it's not you. It's hilarious, because NO ONE else can see why the hell you're swinging your hands wildly into the air and slapping yourself in the face, chest and shoulders. Not to mention shaking your head wildly so that if the little eight-legged occupant was at home, it would somehow be flung from your hair. They don't spin webs, they spin issues. ISSUES I SAY!!

So what does any of this have to do with the absolutely breath-taking beautiful state of North Carolina? A place I now happily call home? Why, everything of course. Especially since I live in a house that is flanked by trees, shrubs and bushes. Spider Condos. And the occupants have been gracious enough to welcome me to the neighborhood. OVER and OVER again. Oh but, I plan on introducing them to someone soon. Sayh hello to mylitto friend..... THE ORKIN MAN! (eeevil eeevil rabbit laugh)

More to come.